Yeah, just like the title suggests we were in for some rough times up in the hoods of IBK. We expected Nike to treat us like football superstars and post us up in some kind of fancy hotel, spoil us with gear and feed us exquisite three course meals but none of that. If you’re up for some reading and looking at crappy photos feel free to read on but we understand if the foresight of this makes you sick and want to skip this whole piece. Don’t tell us we didn’t warn you…
At first we were promised flights but then all of a sudden they weren’t able to pull through so we had to drive all the way over there, what a bummer with all these horrible fall colours distracting our eyes.
Some ghetto-ass Asian joint we went for dinner. At least they granted Bobby Meeks wishes of not having cilantro or koriander up in his food. Did you know that guy used to be a professional highdiver, yeah we know because we had to listen to about a hundred different awful stories that didn’t make us laugh a single time.
I don’t know how Rens did it but when we got back to the room there was a goodiebag, or should I say badiebag, waiting for us with some gross swoosh stuff in there and somehow he managed to fiend a smile, well done.
Not too long after breakfast we were directed to a conference area where the presentation would be held and already they had some more food ready for us to get grubby on. Not that steaks, risotto and cooked veggies are any good though, especially when there laced with some kind of mind altering serum so of course we skipped that.
At the beginning of the presentation, aka Brainwash session, they just had a screen up with some virtuous words but we weren’t buying it. I don’t know what kind of conspiracy organ SIND is but it might well be the Serious International Nark Delivery.
Bobby Meeks, former Robot turned US team manager of all the shredbots they’ve gathered over the past couple of years, made us believe he was human by making some mistakes in his introtalk but of course we looked right through this whole deceiving ordeal.
Then Steve Pelletier, bearded product manager, started some ultratech NASA space stories about the boot line. Then dropping right down to earth again with this Laura Hadar boot making remarks such as “If these were made in men sizes Bobby Meeks would rock them cause they’re his favorite colourway.” As if…
“Danny Kass wanted bloody boots, so we gave him just that.” Oh you guys respect your team wishes so much, sure he wanted bloody boots, right after he got lost in space with a chimp that is. Don’t even wanna know what happened to dear mister Kass but we’re sure it wasn’t all that kosher either.
Getting a closer look at all that techstuff they talked about. I must say their clever trick of making the room dark and then all of sudden making it superlight again almost melted our brains OD’ing on UV’s but us Dutchies have built up resistance for that and have become somewhat immune but I can only imagine what it did to the Scandinavian folk up in the room. Oh Lord, just look at that guy getting all up and close, he’s beyond saviour.
At first we had no idea we had to play football ourselves but when the time of hattricks and schwalbes was getting nearer we got way hyped to show what Holland was made off and to show we were here to make a stand.
Of course Nike made us some signature shirts to make us feel part of their whole brainspin weekend but the only thing Rens is pointing to here is that his name stands alone even when put on a Nike FC Bregenz shirt.
When waiting in front of our crappy hotel you could already notice some people were not resistant, luckily we found some bystanders who also saw right through all these subliminal opinion-altering techniques Nike was showcasing.
You see how many people are smiling? That’s right, just one and oh boy what a surprise it’s Nicolas Muller. When asked to see if he was still somewhat on the same planet as us he just babbled some Chinese and went sidewalk surfing again.
Pierre Wikberg, another ex-robot directing arguably the most influential shred movies ever made, now has to suffice by filming boardwalk game of skates between Nicolas Muller and Bobby Meeks. In case you were wondering, Meeks won but he might’ve had some magnetic stuff in his tech shoes cause he was cathing those treflips just a little too perfect.
You couldn’t understand a word Jon said through the megaphone or was it something in the water? Copsey from Onboard, captain of FC Mullet wouldn’t know cause he warmed up like a true champ with a beer.
Here is that guy again, see how he’s laughing even after being scored against, there something seriously wrong here and why wasn’t he on our team so we could’ve warned him. Best Stache of the game award for sure though.
You remember that serious little update post before this when we were right in the middle of it all still when we said this was a stunt double well clearly we were somewhat brain inflamed as well cause if we would’ve paid better attention we would have noticed that this guy dove after every ball nearing his goal and made meticulous effort not to let anything enter the net behind him for which he deserves nothing but praise.
Yeah yeah Weaver you’re so happy you scored after a sweet combo with your teamie and highlowfive mister Muller but what you don’t know is that you’re about to be sent to space as well and what at first seems like an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity will soon turn into static and communication failure after which you will be taken into Nike’s Mars brainwash HQ for any remainder scrutinies you might have. But you won’t remember cause you were lost in space and who knows what could happen out there anyway?
FC Mullet down after being defeated in the final but not to worry guys, if all was righteous at Nike you wouldn’t have had to play those pro guys who beat AC Mustache in the semis. I remember right after all the poule games were done and FC Mullet was first of their 12 teams and we were first of our team poule I saw some awkard looking guys enter the arena. Nobody paid attention because there were drink and snacks galore but I saw them fumbling with the nets and took some kind of device to each ball lying around. I wouldn’t be surprised if they installed some homegoal seeking device of course in favor of FC Gigi. I mean, if you look at it from a scientific point of view this makes perfect sense because they knew the top spot was within reach all they had to do was take care of us, which was realistically impossible, and FC Mullet who beat them in the opening match of the tournament.
Wow, get some more of that serum laced up Nike Champagne in your system to celebrate your so-called victory. I’m glad my camera is somewhat water- and thus champagne proof and I was wearing a plastic bag over my head or I might’ve been infected too.
Gigi exclaiming in FC Bregenz turned FC Gigi Kaiju slang: “Here homey take some more of that firewater!” Luckily our translator PJ from Fluofun was there or we wouldn’t have been able to understand a word they were saying.
The funny stuff already starting to work its wonders with Gigi placing part of the trophy on is head. Funny he should do that now maybe it would’ve been beneficial in remaining his senses before he was part of the giant Swoosh.
I think these guys were a little too close for comfort when the champagne was being sprayed around cause who the wiener schnitzel is so happy when losing a final? Oh wait, they must’ve upped the doses in the Kaiju champagne because these guys weren’t even in a team together!
This photo has given me great concerns after investigating it thoroughly. Look at all the scores being written down, even up to the final except the match between FC Gigi and AC Mustache. I’m fearing we might’ve been taken into the underground duckout for a quick erase because to this day it still doesn’t seem logical at all Dutch no-good footballers would lose to an All-star team of this magnitude. In fear of arousing suspicion amongst attentive bystanders they just dismissed our score. Very clever guys!
After playing with balls all day it was time for some three course fastfood up in some shady restaurant which loosely translated was called “look of light”. Tom Kingsnorth, Transform Gloves founder, was sitting with us and he ordered three things when only the main course was divided in three options. I think by now they expected us to have gotten used to their treatment but even the Pleasure guys who were sitting next to us had to take occasional dinner breaks to vent out.
This was on the left of us: veteran in the game Richard Holland, Nike designer extraordinaire, now living in northern Sweden with a fine woman from, yes, the Netherlands, what’s in a name? And now surrounded by Dutch folk he must like the people living below sea level, you see Eelco de King throwing up gangsigns making sure his legitimacy stands amongst us outsiders hailing the dinner as outrageously good.
These kind of sculptures were placed in front of us and we didn’t know whether to eat and fall for it or just take pictures. As you can imagine we remained strong throughout this foodfest of epic proportions and opted for the latter.
Gigi took a spoon to his glass and tapped it several times to gather everyone’s attention. He mumbled something about thanks to Nike for making all of this happen but it could’ve been some distracting move to let the cheeky waiters, who were obviously hired by the corporation, do their thang with our plates or drinks for that matter.
Ex-pro turned sports agent Jody Koenders wanted me to take a photo of him with this woman figure called Thesse van der Plas who was walking around all the time asking if we were having a good time!? Of course we ducked under the radar by pretending everything was fine. Later turned out she was a hired agent to set up this whole 180 degree spincycle in the 360 bar (wow, so clever again), I’m glad we kept up appearances for this villainous figure who by now was well induced to even start making little dance moves.
Yes, the 360 bar was making some moves of its own letting our gangsignthrowingdinnercompagnon taking it a step further by actually creating a whole new genre of bodysignals, here with the ‘Happy to be spinned, wish you were here.’
Together with Kingsnorth we took two gondolas up but it wasn’t long before my seemingly perfect day of shredding was interrupted by some logistic misunderstandings. I was told by Dutch Nike SB now also handling Nike snow Bjorn Wiersma to get my board at the base of Hintertux. Just as I expected there was nobody to be seen but Kingsnorth had the inside knowledge that if there was to be a Hotzone guy around setting us up with shredsticks it would be higher up the mountain. So trusting his local instincts I ventured up only to find out no one was to be found. Head down but spirits still up I took the same way back into the valley to go look for some of those Nike heads to see if they would be able to point me in the right direction.
Somehow Eelco has a nose for the finer things in life this time befriending a local with a schnapps belt hooking up everyone who seemed worthy of a little bottle. What better cure to a hangover than some pearschnapps?
Jon Weaver is doing the Movember thang and this is what he got after five days of intense growing, maybe we should hook him up with some mustache seeds, but then again, not all that bad for five days…
It’s hard to tell by the scale of these mountains and the well blending colours he’s wearing but mister Weaver actually cranked out a little method over a roller and with about 2 milliseconds of airtime that’s quite the accomplishment.
For some odd reason Weaver took over my camera in hopes of snatching a snap or two of me which didn’t really work out that well when I tried to hit an icy sidehit but whatever, his composition is pretty artsy though with that sun right behind the rocks in that upper right corner. That hipstamatic iphone thing is really helping him upping his photogame.
That’s it. All in all, as you can tell, this weekend pretty much ruined our lives and now a week later we’re still not really recovered from all these shenanigans.
Okay, enough with this sarcastic spin of our imagination, big thanks go out to all the Nike heads, riders and people who were in attendance and especially Jon Weaver for inviting us to this festive weekend, just leave out the bitchslaps and kisses next time you can’t handle your booze Weavie or we might have to tackle your premature mustache in a seemingly innocent game of roshambo. Good luck in space guys.